Old Game, New Game, Whatever

Feel like I've awoken from a kind of trance, one that lasted for more than two decades. The story of my life goes roughly like this: First, I was a victim. Poor Cinderella the beautiful but unseen and unappreciated princess-to-be. Then, I was in Metamorphosis, Transfiguration, Transformation. I was the Phoenix, rising from the ashes. I was the caterpillar, becoming a butterfly.

And now, to all that, I say: Meh.

I see now, quite clearly, the storyline. I can't say I care about it one way or the other. These are valid plots and sub-plots, but now that I've kind of "woken up" to it, I'm not going to play any more. Really. Had enough. Victim, Transcending, what next? Who cares?!

This may sound somewhat nihilistic, but it isn't. It's a release, and an awakening. I really, sincerely do feel like I've been watching a movie very intently, so much so that I became part of it, and I've just gone, "Huh? Wait, what?" and I can see the movie and the trance for what it was/is.

Will there be other trances and games and stories? I have no clue. Don't much care. I do hope that I'll be able to recognise it, if it happens. I can play along, that's not a problem, because I'm alive (whatever that actually means) and I'm experiencing this dream-story that is my life, and I may as well enjoy it or at least observe it, but I feel very strongly that I never want to be sucked into it in the same absorbing way, ever again.

I don't mind playing the character, wearing the mask, and telling the life story, but I so don't want to be the Protagonist any more. I'd rather be the Author, but lacking that, I'll be happy to be the Reader (gotta love these metaphors, eh?)

No more transformation for this ego-self. Nothing is broken, nothing requires fixing, there is no "self" to "improve" or to "help". There is no "victim" who needs to "transcend" anything. There is no "wholeness" or "healing" to be "achieved". Done.